Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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