its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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