oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
