Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
