I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
