I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
