Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
