My Higher Power is John Stamos
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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