So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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