my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
