saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
