i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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