I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
