giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
where are my eyebrows?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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