It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
