I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
