Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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