Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
