I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
