mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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