he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
