Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
