she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
