Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
