I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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