we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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