I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
