Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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