Can i not drive my cunt home
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
