mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
