did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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