I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
