there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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