Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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