Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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