bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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