Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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