So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
FUCK WHALES
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
