I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
