I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
