Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
