So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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