Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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