I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm bleeding and have questions
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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