she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize