dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
