Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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