i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
