Non-Jews are for practice
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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