You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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