I need to stop coming to work sober
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
