I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
