News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
