It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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