I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
