I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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